TheOfficeisms for episode Safety Training:Andy returns to the office after several weeks of anger management training, determined to make a fresh start with all the Dunder-Mifflin employees. Meanwhile, it's safety training day in the office, and Michael and Dwight are on a mission to illuminate the true dangers of the workplace.(Jim, Kevin, Oscar and Karen are gathered at Pam's desk trying to guess how many jelly beans are in her jar) Kevin: Ten. Oscar: Really? Ten? That's your guess? You're a professional accountant. Jim: There's like ten green ones. Oscar: Fourty-two. Jim: I'm gonna say fifty. Karen: Fifty-one. Jim:Oh come on! Kevin: That is lame! Karen: It's a strategy! Pam: It's called being smart! Karen: Thank you. (Pam begins counting them) Pam: Ten. Jim: Kev's out. Kevin: Damnit! Pam: Forty-seven, forty-eight, forty-nine, Jim wins! Jim: Oh! Kevin: That is not fair. He has spent hours up here at reception with you. Hours and hours. Jim: Okay, okay. Kevin: No,constantly like for years! Dwight: When you land, try and land like an eight-year-old. These bouncy castles aren't made for adults. Darryl: (to Michael) You live a sweet, little, nerfy life. Sitting on your biscuit, never having to risk it. Michael: I saved a life... my own. Am I a hero? I can’t really say, but yes. Dwight: Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned. Jim: Andy, Dwight says welcome back, and he could use a hug. Dwight: Ok, tell him that’s not true. Jim: Dwight says that he actually doesn’t know one single fact about bear attacks. Dwight: Ok, no, Jim, tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run! Jim, tell him! Jim: Andy... no it’s too far. Dwight: Damn you! Andy: You can call me Drew. Jim: No, I'm not going to call you that. Andy: Cool. (After being told that the reality of Michael's suicide attempt ploy is 10,000 to 1 by Jim) Kevin: If someone gives you 10,000 to 1 on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude. (Ryan is seated at a desk with his wrist raised and watching his watch while Kelly is seated on the desk in front of him talking. The rest of the office staff are seen in the background watching their conversation) Kelly: So then the next movie moves to the top of the queue. So number five becomes number four. Number six becomes number five. Number three becomes number two. Etcetera, etcetera. And let’s just say that I just sent back Love Actually, which was awesome. And they sent me Uptown Girls, which is also awesome. But guess what? Now I want to see Love Actually again. But it’s at the bottom of the queue! Oh no, what’ll I do? What I do is this. I go online, I go “click, click, click,” and I change the order of the queue so that I can see Love Actually as soon as I want to. It’s so easy, Ryan. Do you really not know how Netflix works? Ryan: I guess I forgot. (Ryan stands up, smiles and kisses Kelly on the forehead before collecting his winnings.) Kelly: You’re such a ditz. Kevin: Ryan, well done, two minutes, forty-two seconds. Additionally, Pam, you win ten because she said “awesome” twelve times, and Jim, you win five because she mentioned six romantic comedies. (Pam and Jim smile in delight) Michael: You don't go to the science museum and get handed a pamphlet on electricity. You go to the science museum and you put your hand on a metal ball. Your hair sticks up straight. And you know science. Pam: So you're okay? Michael: Indubitably. Pam: I don’t know how the whole betting thing started, but it’s fun. Michael: Heart disease kills more people than balers. Lonny: That’s called having a fat butt, Michael. Michael: No, no, it’s-- Lonny: Yeah, yeah. That’s fat butt disease. That’s what you suffering from? Fat butt disease, Michael? Kelly: Excuse me, Sea Monster, you weigh like a thousand pounds. Lonny: Yeah? Kelly: Yeah. Lonny: I bet you’d like to swim with this sea monster, wouldn’t you? Kelly: Ryan! Lonny: Dude, please tell your girl to shut up. Kelly: What? Ryan: Kelly, you insulted the gentleman. Please, apologize. Kelly: Are you kidding me? Kevin: Ever since March Madness ended, I am so bored. Darryl: We do safety training every year. Or after an accident. We’ve never made it a full year. This particular time, I was reaching for a supply box on the top shelf, when one office worker, who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled - Michael: (Laughing Hysterically) Hey Darryl, how’s it hangin’? (Michael is on the roof and Darryl is below with a bullhorn) Darryl: Mike, this is the opposite of safety. You jump, you're going to seriously hurt yourself. Michael: You told me that I lead a cushy... wimpy... nerf-life. Darryl: Yeah, but I never said you have nothing to live for. Michael: What do I have to live for? Darryl: A lot... of things... uh... you... What about Jan? Lovely, lovely, lovely Jan, man. It's going good, right? Michael: It's complicated with Jan. I don't know where I stand or what I want; the sex isn't near as good as it used to be. Darryl: Mike, you're a very brave man. I mean, it takes courage just to be you. To get out out of bed every single day, knowing full-well you gotta be you. Michael: Do you really mean that? Darryl: I couldn't do it! I ain't that strong. And I ain't that brave. Michael: I'm braver than you? Darryl: Way braver. You Brave Heart, man. Michael: I Brave Heart. I am. (Michael is on the roof and Dwight is below with a bullhorn) Michael: My life! Oh, my life! Dwight: Michael, what's wrong? Michael: Everything's wrong! The stress of my modern office has caused me to go into a depression. Dwight: Depression? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling "bummed-out"? Michael: Dwight, you ignorant slut! Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32,000 people commit suicide every year, according to a 2004 study. Dwight: Is that the last year the data was available? Michael: Yes. Dwight: Hey guys, listen up! Michael is up on the roof, and acting strange! Andy: Whoah! What's the situation? Dwight: Un-shun. I think he's suffering from depression. Re-shun. Andy: K, when's the shunning-thing going to end? Dwight: Un-shun. Never. Re-shun. I think he wants you all to come out to the parking lot to watch him die. Stanley: Is it nice outside? Dwight: It's gorgeous. Let's go. Stanley: Will I need my jacket? Dwight: No, really, it's very nice. Come on! Ryan: Will I be too warm in a long-sleeve tee? Dwight: Everyone's going to be fine in exactly what they're wearing! Let's go! (Confessional) Dwight: Yes, I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years... which I'm looking forward to. It's an Amish technique; it's like slapping someone with silence. Dwight: I was shunned from the age of 4 until my 6th birthday, for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna. Michael: Darryl thinks he's such a man because he works in a warehouse. Well big deal! I worked in a warehouse, Men's Wearhouse. I was a greeter. I'd like to see Darryl greet people, probably make them feel like wimps. Not me. I, 'Hello. I'm Michael. Welcome to Men's Wearhouse. We have a special on khaki pants today.' It's just one example. Michael: Today is safety training day. Toby is leading ours upstairs, makes grossed out sound. But, I am giving everyone a little bit of a treat, we are going to listen in on Darryl's presentation to the warehouse, and if I know Darryl, it goin' be zoppity. Notice something that's missing from this episode? Add It Is there an error that we overlooked? Suggest a Correction |
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