TheOfficeisms for episode The Merger:Old friends Jim and Pam are back together after months apart as the Scranton branch and Stamford branch are finally merged. Michael, Dwight and the other employees are faced with a variety of changes.Michael: Sittin' in my office with a plate of grilled bacon. Call my man Dwight just to see what was shakin'. Dwight: Yo Mike, our town is dope and pretty! Michael: So check out how we live... Both: ...in the Electric City! Michael: They call it Scranton! Dwight: What? Michael: The Electric City! Scranton! Dwight: What? Michael: The Electric City! Michael: Call Poison Control if you're bit by a spider! Dwight: But check that it's covered by... Both: ...your Health Care Provider! Michael: You like coal mines and you wanna see 'em? Well check it out, yo! The Anthracite Museum! Michael: Plenty of space in the parking lot. Dwight: But the little cars go in the compact spot! Both: Spot! Spot! Spot! Spot! (Right after Tony leaves the office) Dwight: It was my advice, remember? I was the one who suggested that you fired him Michael: Probably the best advice you ever game me, Dwight. Dwight: And what advice has Andy given to you today, that you have acted on? Would 'non' be an accurate estimate? Non-advice? (whispers) Fire Andy... Fire Andy... Andy: Saw your dorkmobile in the parking lot. What, does it get like 4 miles to the gallon? Dwight: Uhh, try double that. Classic Trans Am, vintage american muscle... please. Andy: Yeah, my X-Terra's pretty sweet. Luxurious, yet rugged... leave it to the Japanese. Dwight: X-Terra's not even a real word. Andy: Actually, it is... its latin for 'earth'. Dwight: Oh, so you drive an X Earth? (sarcastic) That makes sense. I'd rather drive a classic Trans Am than an X Earth. Andy: Yeah, I bet you would. Oh, by the way, 1985 called - it wants its car back. Dwight: Well I hope 1985 has a time machine, because I drive an '87. Andy: Oh - speaking of time machines, I just back from the future and I went to your funeral and guess what, nobody came. Dwight: Speaking of funerals, why don't you go ahead and go die. Andy: Oooh, that was a really well constructed sentence. You should be an English professor at Cor-Not university. Dwight: Idiot! Andy: If I were an idiot, I'd driving a Trans Am. Dwight: If you were driving a Trans Am, you would be the smartest idiot in the whole world. Toby: Um, you might want these orientation materials. Michael: Wrong, Toby. This is an orientation, not a borientation. Andy Bernard: Anything new to report? Dwight: Do you mean, from you, to me? Cause that's how it works. Pam: Am I being mean to Dwight? I don’t know. I did just make him run around the building, and I have no intention of timing him. This isn’t even a stopwatch, it’s a digital thermometer. (To Karen Filippelli) Michael: Wow, you're very exotic-looking. Was your dad a G.I.? Dwight: I am fast. Just to give you a reference point, I'm somewhere between a snake and a mongoose...and a panther. Michael: I know what a lot of you must be thinking. Wow, what a day, feels more like a night at a party then a day at work. Well, in my opinion business should feel like a night out, a night…(changes suit jacket)…at…(picks up a boombox and places it on the table)…the Roxbury. (hits play on the boombox and nothing happens) Michael: Tony, please join your cohorts on the table, if you would. Tony: Uh, this is difficult for me. Michael: Hey, I understand, we’re all friends. Tony: No, I mean I can’t physically; I can’t get on the table. Michael: People hate people that are different from them. That’s natural, but you know what makes people forget their differences, a great show. That is why I created the integration celebration. This is the moment when Scranton and Stamford come together as one united in applause. Kelly: Jim! Jim: Kelly. (they hug) Kelly: Oh, oh! Oh, my God, I have so much to tell you. Jim: Really? Kelly: Yes. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a baby. And they named it Suri. And then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, had a baby too and they named it Shiloh. And both babies are so (singsongy) amazing! Jim: Great. What's new with you? Kelly: (seriously) I just told you. Michael: Let’s face it, moving to a new job can be very stressful so I have made an orientation video especially for you newcomers but it’s not like any orientation video that any of you have ever seen. It’s funny. It’s got a little bit of a zing to it and I hope that it gives you a flavor of what we’re all about here at Dunder-Mifflin and what we’re all about here in Scranton. So let’s just all laugh together and watch... Lazy Scranton. Andy: I’ll be the number two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring and never breaking off a handshake. I’m always thinking one step ahead, like a…carpenter...that makes stairs. Dwight: The Japanese camp guards of World War II always chose one man to kill whenever a new batch of new prisoners arrived. I always wondered how they chose the man who was to die. I think I would’ve been good at choosing the person. Michael: My branch is absorbing the Stamford branch or, as I like to put it. My family is doubling in size. And that’s all I’m gonna say about it because I have a gigantic performance ahead of me and I have to get into my head and focus. (deep breath) Notice something that's missing from this episode? Add It Is there an error that we overlooked? Suggest a Correction |
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