TheOfficeisms for episode Grief Counseling:After learning that his old boss, the former regional manager, has died, Michael attempts to guide the Dunder Mifflin staff through their grief as he searches for the right way to honor a company man.Creed: It's a real shame about Ed, huh? Michael: Must really have you thinking. Creed: About what? Michael: The older you get, the bigger the chance is you're gonna die. You knew that. Creed: Ed was decapitated. Michael: What? Dwight: (Surprisingly) Really? Creed: He was drunk as a skunk, flying down Route 6, rides under an 18 wheeler. Pop! Snaps right off. Michael: Oh my god. Dwight: That is the way to go. Instant death. Very smart. (After Michael has just run out of the conference room) Dwight: Michael! Michael: Ohhh! Ohhh! Dwight: Michael!? Michael?! (Michael discovers the dead bird) Michael: Oh god! Dwight: Oh god! Michael: Oh god! Oh my god! Come on! (pauses) Oh shhhhhooot! Dwight: Poor little fella'. He's gone. Michael: No he's not! Dwight: Yeah. Michael: No he's not! Toby: Michael, look, I know this is hard for you but that's just a part of life. Just this morning I saw a little bird fly into the glass doors downstairs and die. And I had to keep going. Michael: How do you know? Toby: What? Michael: That that bird was dead. Did you check its breathing? Toby: It's obvious. Michael: Was its heart beating, Toby? Did you check it? No, of course you didn't. You're not a veterinarian. You don't know anything! Pam: What do we know about this bird? You might think, not much, it's just a bird. But we do know some things. We know it was a local bird. Maybe it's that same bird that surprised Oscar that one morning with a special present from above. Kevin: I remember that, that was so funny. Pam: And we know how he died. Flying into the glass doors. But you know what, I don't think he was being stupid. I think he just really, really wanted to come inside our building. To spread his cheer and lift our spirits with a song. Dwight: It's not a songbird. Michael: Shhhh. Pam: An impression then. Lastly, we can't help but notice that he was by himself when he died. But, of course, we all know that doesn't mean he was alone. Because I'm sure that there were lots of other birds out there who cared for him very much. He will not be forgotten. Michael: The guy who had my job has died, and nobody cares... and he sat on my desk. Michael: Do you think that this is a game? Phyllis: Well, there is a ball. Pam: Let's see... I had an aunt, that I was really close to; she was this amazing female boxer. Anyway, she was injured in a fight, and she was paralyzed. So, you can imagine how sad I was... when I found out that she asked her manager to remover her breathing tube, so she could die. Michael: (Amazed)Wow. If you wanna cry, that's okay. Andy: Hey, what are we doing? What's the game? I want in. Jim: Oh, there's no game. We're just trying to get these chips for Karen. Andy: Did you check the vending machine? Karen: Oh, the vending machines. How did we miss that? Jim: I have no idea. We went right for the copier Karen: Hmm. Jim: And then we checked the fax machine. Karen: Yeah, nothing there. Andy: Did you check your butt? Dwight: When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins, and when they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby. Michael: I lost Ed Truck, and it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears and at the same time somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer. And then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone, and I am crying, and nobody can hear me because I am terribly, terribly...terribly alone. Dwight: And how big do you want this robot? Michael: Life-size. Dwight: Hmm...no. Better make it two-thirds. Easier to stop if it turns on us. Jan: What the hell are you two talking about? Michael: That is just not the way a Dunder Mifflin manager should go, I’m sorry...alone, out of the blue...not even have his own head to comfort him. Dwight: I'm sorry. I grew up on a farm. We slaughtered a pig whenever we wanted bacon. My grandfather was re-buried in an old oil drum. It would have fit if he had given me another minute. Ryan: A few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa and my cousin, Mufasa, was...he was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeasts and we all took it really hard. All of us, kind of in the audience, of what happened. Michael: Do you want to talk about it anymore? Ryan: Oh, it would probably take me like an hour and a half to tell that whole story. Michael: What is the matter with you? Is that the beak?! Michael: Wham! His capa is detated from his head! Stanley: You have just spit on my face. Michael: There are five stages to grief. Which are (reads from computer) denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. And right now, out there, they are all denying the fact that they're sad. And...that's hard. And that's making them all angry. And it is my job to get them all the way through to acceptance. And if not acceptance, then just depression. If I can get them depressed, then I will have done my job. Michael: Well, I'll be in my office, if anyone wants to drop by, cheer me up. (no one moves) Dwight: (warning Michael about a dead bird) Michael, get him away from your head. He's covered with germs and bacteria. Michael: Are you kidding me?! You can't catch diseases from a bird. Creed: You know, a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated. Dwight: You're thinking of a chicken. Creed: (confused) What did I say? Josh: What's going on with Fairfield County School's. Karen, did you generate that price list? Karen: Um... shoot. Uh, I will, sorry. Josh: Ok, just get it done. Jim will you make sure? Jim: Oh yeah, definitely. Andy: (cough) Suck up. Ahem. Josh, did you hear what I said? Josh: Thank You, everyone. Michael: I don’t understand. We have a day honoring Martin Luther King but he didn’t even work here. Jan(on the speaker phone): I understand how you feel, Michael. I really do. So would it be helpful to give everyone the day off? Michael: You really don’t get it do you? You don’t understand these people. That is the last thing that they would want is a day off. Jan: Well, what would you suggest? Michael: A statue. Jan: of Ed? Michael: Yeah Jan: (scoffs) I’m not sure if that is realistic Michael: Well, I think it would be very realistic. It would look just like him. Jan: No, that’s not-- Michael: We could have his eyes light up; we could have his arms move. Dwight: That is not a statue that is a robot. Dwight: When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died, and what moves I could’ve used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in. Michael: Attention everybody, I just received a call from corporate with some news that they felt that I should know first. My old boss, Ed Truck, has died. Kelly: Oh, Michael that’s such terrible news. You must feel so sad. (Kelly hugs Michael) Michael: Yes, I am. It’s very sad. Because he was my boss Jan: (on speaker phone) So, I wanted to let you know that we lost Ed Truck Michael: Oh-kay, let me see if I have his cell. Is this the only reason you are calling Jan or does somebody miss me? Jan: Michael...Ed died over the weekend. Michael: Oh, wow. Michael: Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that’s baloney, because grief isn’t wrong. There is such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown. Notice something that's missing from this episode? 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