TheOfficeisms for episode Drug Testing:Dwight plays the role of Volunteer Sheriff after finding half a joint in the Dunder Mifflin parking lot leading to an investigation. Pam gives Jim a play challenge where he must be silent until he gives Pam a can of Coke.Michael: This year more people will use cocaine than will read a book to their children. Stanley: Where did you get these facts? Michael: Are these facts scaring you, or are they not? Stanley: They are not. Michael: Drugs ruin lives people. Drugs destroy careers. Take Cheech and Chong everybody knows that Cheech and Chong are funny, but just imagine how funny they would be if they didn't smoke pot. Dwight: Let's go over some of the symptoms of marijuana use, shall we? You tell me who this sounds like: slow moving...inattentive...dull...constantly snacking...shows a lack of motivation. Kevin: (nods) Hey... Dwight: (to Oscar) Have you ever pooped... a balloon? Ryan: Hey, are you guys hiring? Urine tester: You want to work at the urinalysis lab? Ryan: Yeah. Maybe. Michael: Okay, attention everyone. The drug testing has been cancelled. Instead I will be going around to each of you, and doing a visual inspection. Dwight: No, you can't do that. Michael: I can do that, it's my office, and... Dwight: No you cannot. It has to be official, and IT HAS TO BE URINE. Dwight: Do you know what this is? (slides a picture of marijuana on the table) Phyllis: Yes. It's marijuana. Dwight: How do you know that? Phyllis: It's labeled. Dwight: Damn it. Jim: So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. Which is unfortunate, because it turns out that Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs. Jim: I'm just saying you can't be sure that it wasn't you. Dwight: That's ridiculous. Of course it wasn't me. Jim: (holds up picture) Marijuana is a memory loss drug. So maybe you just don't remember. Dwight: I would remember. Jim: How could you, if it just erased your memory? Dwight: That's not how it works! Jim: Now, how do you know how it works? Dwight: Knock it off! OK, now I am interviewing you! Jim: No, you said that I'd be conducting this interview when I walked in here. (Raising voice) Now exactly how much pot did you smoke? Oscar: So, Pam told me you do a great Stanley impression. I'd love to hear it. Jim: Oh, um. "Why do you keep CCing me on things that have nothing to do with me?" Stanley: (entering room) Is that supposed to be me? Jim: Oh, hey, Stanley. Uh, I was just doing an impression. Stanley: I do not think that is funny. Pam: He does everyone in the office. Stanley: Hmph. (leaves) Jim and Pam: "I do not think that is funny." Dwight: OK. I'm going to have to search your car. Give me your keys. Ryan: I am not giving you my keys. Dwight: Don't make me do this the hard way. Ryan: What's the hard way? Dwight: I go down to the police station, on my lunch break. I tell a police officer -- I know several -- what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant. Once he has said warrant, he will drive over here and make you give him the keys to your car, and you will have to obey him. Ryan: Yeah, let's do it that way. Jim: This was such a hard day to not talk. Dwight was literally carrying around his own urine and walking around dressed like one of the village people. Why does he do the things he does for Michael? I just don't get it. What is he getting out of that relationship? Pam: WOW! He really pulled out the big guns! Fake crying? I didn't expect that! Dwight: How many orange traffic cones do you have? Security Guard: Two. Dwight: Oh...god. Michael: Since you did such a good job with the investigation, I decided to pull a few strings, call in a few favors, and I've decided to make you official security supervisor of the branch. Dwight: Really? Michael: Yes, sir. Dwight: That fantastic because I've always felt that the security here sucked. Dwight: I like the people I work with generally, with four exceptions. But someone commited a crime, and I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy to make friends...and by the way, I haven't. Michael: Look at the person to the left of you. Now look at the person to your right. One of those people will be dead from drug use at some point in their lives. Creed: That is Northern Lights Cannabis indica. Dwight: No...it's marijuana. Dwight: Oscar visited Mexico when he was five to attend his great grandmother's funeral. What does that mean to a United States law enforcement officer? He's a potential drug mule. Michael: In addition to testing Toby's urine, I am going to test his blood and hair. Toby: You can't do that. Michael: Yes I can, it's my office and I can randomly test anyone. Toby: That wasn't random. Michael: Okay fine, eeenie meenie minie moe (points at Toby), that's random! Dwight: Kevin, what prescription drugs are you taking besides Rogaine? Kevin: I don't take Rogaine. Dwight: What about you, Angela? Angela: I don't take any prescription drugs. Dwight: Nothing?....Good. Michael: Narc, Narc! Kevin? Kevin: That is so good, Michael. Pam: Jim is not allowed to talk until he buys me a Coke. Those are the rules of Jinx and they're unflinchingly rigid. Dwight: Do you think it's possible that maybe you could have had some drugs in your system without you knowing about it? Oscar: What are you implying? Dwight: Have you ever pooped a balloon? Ryan: I don't think Michael's ever done drugs. I don't know if anyone's ever offered him any. Michael: Dwight, dude, you gotta take a chill pill. You're totally harshing the office mellow! Jim: You look cute today, Dwight. Dwight: Thanks, girl. Michael: Well, Dwight, I am very busy today and I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom so I don't even know if anything will come out. Dwight: You might remember my urine. Linda: We test a lot of urine. Dwight: Mine was green. Toby: Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael. Notice something that's missing from this episode? Add It Is there an error that we overlooked? Suggest a Correction |
Total Isms in the database:
1187 |
|
|
|