TheOfficeisms for episode The Secret:When Michael slips some sly references about Pam in his conversations with Jim, Jim quickly tries to do damage control to make sure that no one else in the office finds about his crush on Pam, all while slamming himself with regret for ever telling Michael in the first place. Jim goes to drastic measures, even bonding with Michael at a Hooters restaurant for lunch. Nonetheless, Jim's efforts do little to keep Michael from revealing the secret, but Jim smooths the situation over with Pam to make it seem like nothing more than a tiny crush in the past. Meanwhile, Dwight conducts an investigation about Oscar's mysterious absence from work, and what Dwight finds, though it goes way over his head, is surprising.Dwight: Quick Oscar update. I have conducted interviews with everyone in the office. Michael: Just go to his house and see if he's sick. I could have done this investigation in like twenty minutes. Dwight: Including prep time? Michael: Just do it. Dwight: As a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy I have been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me. So I tailed her for six straight nights. Turns out she was, with a couple of guys actually so... mystery solved. Jim: Umm, is it me or does it smell like up-dog in here? Michael: What's up-dog? Jim: Nothing much, what's up with you? Michael: Oh, oh, wow! I walked right into that. Oh, that's brilliant! Deleted Scene: (Ryan is helping Michael clean out his desk.) Ryan: People Magazine crossword puzzle, keep or toss? Michael: Keep. I will finish that later. Ryan: It's from '99. Michael: Yeah, I know when it's from Ryan. (Ryan in confessional) Ryan: 18 across: Mary-Kate & Ashley blank. Michael put, JUDD?. Deleted Scene: Michael: Look at 'em all out there, my little worker bees buzzin' away. Dwight: If they're the worker bees, you're the queen bee. Michael: No, I am the king bee. Dwight: Queen's higher. Michael: No king is higher...then ace. I am the ace bee. (Deleted Scene) Dwight: Don't be fooled by the phrase, dust bunnies. They are vicious little bitches, and if they get inside your disk drive, god help you. They will bring your computer to its knees. They sit in corners. Hatching, depicating, laying eggs. And their sole purpose in life is to eat dead skin, which humans in this office shed by the boatload. Especially Creed. (Deleted Scene) Michael: Hello. Pammy want a cracker? Bagock! Pam: No thanks. You got a package. Michael: Oh, Pam with the dirty talk! Hahahaha! Dwight: Guess what I found out about Oscar tonight? He was lying about being sick! Pam: What did you guys talk about? Jim: Oh, just you know, politics, literature... (holds up Hooter's T-shirt) Pam: I hate you. Ryan: Creed? Did you organize the menu book? Creed: Oh, I thought that was more on a volunteer basis. Ryan: No, it was mandatory. Creed: Oh I thought it was a volunteer thing. Ryan: If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds, and nobody would ever know that I'd ever been here. And I'd forget, too. Dwight: So how did Oscar sound when he called in? Pam: Sick. Like lots of sniffling, I don’t know. Dwight: Sniffling how? Pam: Umm, how many ways are there to sniffle? Dwight: Three. Pam: Ok, it was the second one. Dwight: Ok. Good. Thank you, that wasn’t so hard now was it. Kevin: Jim has got it bad for Pam. Creed: Oh...which one is Pam? Dwight: There are several different ways to tell if a perp is lying. The liar will avoid direct eye contact. The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hands, especially the mouth. The liar will perspire. Unfortunately, I spoke to Oscar on the phone so none of this is useful. Michael: (ordering at Hooters) I will have a chicken breast, hold the chicken. Hooter's Girl:(looking annoyed) Is that what you really want? Michael:I'll have the gourmet hotdog. (Dwight pulls into Oscar's driveway, where Oscar and his boyfriend are removing shopping bags from the trunk.) Dwight: Oh man! You're so busted. Ice skates? Shopping bags? I think I know what's going on here. You weren't sick at all! Gil: Who's this? Dwight: This is Dwight Schrute! Who is this? Gil: Gil. Oscar: Are you going to tell Michael? Dwight: How about this. I don't tell Michael and in exchange you owe me one great big giant favor redeemable by me at a time and place of my choosing. (Pam lets her hair down to show Kelly how she'll look at her wedding.) Michael: Wowee. Mikey likey. Why don't you wear your hair like that all the time? It's much sexier. (Pam immediately puts it back.) Dwight: Listen, Temp. I am conducting a little investigation, so I am no longer going to be able to head up Spring Cleaning. Do you think you can handle it? Ryan: Yeah, I think I can handle it. Dwight: Do you think or do you know? Ryan: I think. Dwight: Oh god... Dwight: Meredith. Men's room--make sure you replace the urinal cakes. They're worn down. Michael: They say a cluttered desk means a cluttered mind. Well, I say an empty desk means an... Dwight: ...empty mind. (To Jim as he's getting pop from the machine) Michael: What'chya getting there? Jim: Uh, grape! Michael: Good stuff, good stuff. So! Did you watch the game last night? Jim: What game? Michael: Any..of them? (Stanley walks in) Michael: So what's the down-low on the P. situation? Jim: I don't know what you're talking about. Michael: P. A.? P. A. M.? Jim: Ah.. uh.. Michael: It's ok, we're talking in code. Jim: I'm going to leave now. Michael: Still choosing your drink, Stanley? (Michael pushes a button) Michael: Peach Iced Tea. You'll hate it! (Talking to Jim in Hooters) Michael: You should order milk. Get it? Milk. Michael: Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton..... mostly at work. Notice something that's missing from this episode? Add It Is there an error that we overlooked? 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