TheOfficeisms for episode Health Care:Michael doesn't want to upset the staff so he gets Dwight to pass on news about the company's reduced health provisions. Fed up with his nosiness, Jim and Pam pretend they are suffering from a variety of conditions including Ebola, Mad Cow Disease, spontaneous dentohydroplosion, hotdog fingers, nano-robot infection, and Count Choculitis.Michael: If Dwight fails, then that is strike two, and good for me for giving him a second chance. And if he succeeds, then, you know, no one will be prouder than I am. I groomed him. I made him what he is today. Unless he fails, and we've talked about that already. Jim: Well if you've never been sick, then you don't have any antibodies. Dwight: I don't need them. Superior genes. I'm a Schrute. And superior brain power. Michael: …Robin Williams, oh man, would I love to go head-to-head with him! Oh, that would be exciting, hi, uh, I’m Mork from Ork. Well I’m, I’m Bork from Spork. Nanu nanu! Zippity bloo bloo! Dwight: In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, "Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me. I'm dead." Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead. Pam: I'm inventing new diseases. Jim: Oh great. Pam: So like, let's say that my teeth turn to liquid... Jim: Hmm... Pam: ...and then, they drip down the back of my throat, what would you call that? Jim: I thought you said you were inventing diseases. That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion. Pam: Oh, nice. Jim: Thank you. Michael: I'm in charge of their health care. Does that make me their doctor? Yes. In a way. Dwight: I'm not mad, I just wanna know who did it so that I can punish them. Michael: (on the phone) Well, once you get down into the mine what... you got laser tag, or something? Oscar: (about Michael) He literally won't come out of his office. Kevin: He's gotta come out sometime... to go to the bathroom. (laughs) Angela: Kevin, that's inappropriate. Dwight: Who wrote this, this hysterical one? Anal fissures. Kevin: That's a real thing. Dwight: Yeah, but no one here has it. Kevin: (quietly) Someone has it. Dwight: Someone forged medical information, and that is a felony. Jim: Okay, whoa... all right, 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake? Dwight: (reading from a sheet) Uh, Leprosy, Flesh Eating Bacteria, Hot Dog Fingers, Government Created Killer Nano Robot Infection. Dwight: The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with ridiculous stuff. Count Choculitis. Jim: Sounds tough. Dwight: Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula? Michael: I learned improv from the greats, like Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles. Dwight: Number one: Inverted Penis. Meredith: Could you mean vagina? Cause if you do, I want that covered. Dwight: I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy. Meredith: A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina. Jan: (on phone) Dwight, listen to me very carefully: you are not a manager of anything. Understand? Dwight: That's not entirely true, because he put me in charge of picking a healthcare plan. Jan: Really? Okay, when Michael gets back, you tell him to call me immediately. Dwight: Call you immediately, good. Hey, listen, since I have you on the phone, um, can I fire Jim? Jan: No. Dwight: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will. Pam: Why would you wanna raise your cholesterol? Dwight: So I can lower it. Dwight: Please knock, this is an office. Jim: (indicating Dwights sign) It says ‘work space.' Dwight: Same thing. Jim: If it's the same thing, then why did you write ‘work space?' Dwight: Okay, first, let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire? Michael: Uh, none. You're picking a healthcare plan. Jim: Right now this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company, then this would be my career. And uh... well, if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train. Jim: Last night on Trading Spouses there's... did you see it? Pam: No, I have a life. Jim: Interesting, what's that like? Pam: You should try it some time. Jim: Wow. But then who would watch my TV? Jan: Sometimes a manager, like yourself, has to deliver the bad news to the employees. I do it all the time. Michael: Oh yeah, when have you ever done that? Jan: I'm doing it right now, to you. Michael: The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money, I give them food. Not directly, but through the money. I heal them. Today I am in charge of picking a great new healthcare plan. Right? That's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Umm... yes, in a way. Yeah, like a specialist. Pam: There's nothing new. Michael: That's not what you said earlier. Pam: Oh, do you want me to repeat the messages that I gave you before? Notice something that's missing from this episode? Add It Is there an error that we overlooked? Suggest a Correction |
Total Isms in the database:
1187 |
|
|
|